Newfie jokes

[Oriental]

A guy from Newfoundland is sitting at the bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Newfoundlander explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The Newfoundlander smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?"

[Oriental]

Gander NFLD (CP) Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier today
when a Cessna 152, a small 2-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery
early this morning in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far,
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

[Oriental]

I saw a newfie the other day wearing only one sock.

I said "Hey newf! Did you lose a sock?"

He goes, "Nope. Found one!"

[Oriental]

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more sexual pleasure.

When the results of the French study were released, Newfoundland decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Newfie's study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[Oriental]

Tobin's wife passed away so Tobin called 911. The 911 operator tells him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Tobin replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Tobin says, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

[Oriental]

A census taker went up to Garge and Marge's house and knocked.

When Marge came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four .. "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

Marge answered, "Lard no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."

[Oriental]

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush?" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cover, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!"
"Well Archie," George replies, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation, "There is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" George asks.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord T'underin' Jaysus, bye," said Archie, "I'll be gettin' back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a moment then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

[Oriental]

Cathy Jones herself is a Newfoundlander

[Oriental]

You know your from Newfoundland when....
=========================================

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favorite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leafs make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

[Oriental]

Computers for Newfies
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box
22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen
29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket just in case you
get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - waitress
32. Mail Server - male waitress, damn few in Newfoundland
33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays
music when you open it
35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff
36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch
37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the
ground--better luck next week